Of three things I was sure. First, that Edward was a vampire. Second, some part of him thirsted for my blood. Third, I was idiotically and irrevocably in love with him…
“FINE! I’ll turn you into a vampire if you promise to marry me. Darn that intoxicating musk of yours!”
“Whoa. WHOA. I don’t know if I’m ready for that kind of commitment.”
“But you’re committed to becoming a vampire for all eternity?”
“Okay, if you insist I’ll be your super-hot vampire bride. Hold up! I have to break up with my werewolf boy-toy first. Dude, he’s going to be super pissed.”
Enter Jacob
“What the hell Bella?”
“Sorry Jacob. I know we’re best friends and that I’m happier with you and that I can be myself with you and stay with my family and lead a healthy, normal life with you, and that you’re way tanner and better built than Edward, but…”
“But WHAT? This is bullcrap! He just wants you for your scent!”
“Actually he’s quite right Bella- this IS bullcrap. You should be with him- Even I see that. Plus the other vampires think you’re kind of a D-bag.”
“Stop fighting over me GOSH!”
“Hey Jacob, she’s yours if you want her. I don’t even care. Being a vegan vampire can be incredibly depressing.”
“Don’t touch me- you’ll make me dirty.”
Bella:
“Check it out- I’m going to have a half-vampire baby.”
“How is that even possible?”
“Technically it isn’t, BUT…Quick! Turn me into a vampire before the baby feasts on my innards!”
Jacob:
“Gross! Seriously guys, I don’t know how I can make this any clearer- I am unreasonably prejudiced against the undead. Like, I hate all the vampires in the whole world. If Bella turns into a vampire I will never speak to either of you ever again! I won’t eat at the same restaurant as you! I won’t send you Christmas cards! I wont- Wait, is that your half-vampire baby?”
Bella:
“Renesme. See, we combined the names of both our mothers and-”
“Yeah, I see what you did there. Is it just me or is that one attractive half-vampire baby?”
Edward:
“What is GOING ON?”
The End.
so funny, I loved it! This should be how the book was written!
Not bad, but I’d like to hear more about the glorious, sparkly hiney.
eeeewwwww! UGH! YUCK! Wanna know what I really think? 😉 haa haa
LOL! LOL!
Hilarioius, Di!
ROFL!!!! Stephanie Meyers is going to be so pissed when she finds out her original draft got posted on the internet!
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Di, Di, Di.
Try as you might to distance yourself from the fact that you abandonded every principle you hold dear, to go “Molly” and read ‘Twi-wipe’, the fact still remains:
You read it.
But I still love ya 😉
BTW, BRILLIANT post!!! I literally laughed out loud.
Yes, I read them. I made it through two and a half books and Bella still hadn’t DIED! I felt like I was being led on.
I did like the movie though (what the-!). The soundtrack was good, I was diggin’ Bella’s wardrobe. Plus the special effects were FANTASTIC! >:)
Very funny, my little critic. You should be the one who’s a rich author! Ask Chris Feehan how to get started.
hey, I only read two books too…emily’s read them all…and i hear the books get better. i was too impatient.
I love your stories. thank you
I still contend she’d be dead within the first month… and at risk for one week of every month.