Legolas vs. Spiderman

Humor me. Today is a day like any other. You wake up before you’re ready, you spend time looking for a pair of matching socks. Regardless of whether you’re on time or not you find yourself rushing from chapter one to chapter twelve, with very little time for reflection. Little do you know today could be your last. Little can you see the monster waiting around the corner, lurking in the alleyway just beyond those suspicious looking trees. But he sees you. You routinely check your watch, lists playing in your head when suddenly he has you twenty feet in the air ready to make a meal of you. Your options are limited, your prospects very dim. Who will save you? Legolas or Spiderman?

When Legolas saves you he makes it look easy, gracefully scaling the monster and unleashing a series of arrows which cleanly severs its foul head. He then performs a triple elf spin through the air landing flawlessly, flashes you a grin like he has a secret, and flips his luxurious golden locks back before disappearing in some nearby shrubbery. Impressive.
When Spiderman saves you he does it with flare. Just as the monster releases you and you find yourself plummeting towards his gaping jaws, in swoops Spiderman! He makes a moderately clever pun as you fly through the air and deposits you safely miles from the monster. But before he jettisons his web back to finish the fight, he looks at you expectantly with his over sized black eyes and you realize he wants a kiss. “Listen,” you tell him kindly but firmly, “I’m grateful you saved my hide and all, but-” and you try to explain how you don’t like him that way, and that you had onion rings for lunch. But then, you see the disappointment behind his little red mask, and after all it isn’t everyday you get saved by Spiderman you justify as you lay one on him.
But in reality that isn’t what happens. As you hang suspended twenty feet in the air, watching your life rewind inside your head, wishing you had spent less time looking for socks and more time playing Wii with your family and neighbors- As you feel the blood rushing to your head and all you can think about is how you should have paid more attention to where you were going, everything suddenly goes black. And as you slowly open your eyes you realize you aren’t dead. You are in a Bat Cave. Bat Man saved you. And even though you find him a little odd and uncommunicative at first, you realize he’s just an introvert and that’s okay, because in retrospect you wouldn’t want anyone else saving your hide.