In the Sortor home, a Barbie can expect a life as filled with beatings and drama as your average Lifetime movie.

After all, what does success matter when you can skate through life on pure, unadulterated cerebellum?

When you can’t win your children’s affection any other way, you can always pay Disney to win it for you.

The dream of being the keyboardist in a punk-rock band becomes less likely each year.

Gather ye rose-buds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles today,
Tomorrow will be dying. -Robert Herrick

Brooklyn started Kindergarten today and I feel (and probably look) like I’ve been the victim of some kind of natural disaster.

The enthusiastic pediatrician is dead. Darth Schlictenstein is our new doctor.

Of three things I was sure. First, that Edward was a vampire. Second, some part of him thirsted for my blood. Third, I was idiotically and irrevocably in love with him…