November did not go down smoothly. I have slept through the night but a handful of times since October and I’m beginning to fray around the edges. Generally, I’m a decent human being- slightly off but harmless really. UNLESS I don’t sleep. Sleep deprivation makes me crazy.
This is December in Utah, so everyone we know is sick including our children. Sick doesn’t really mean anything unless it starts getting serious and that is where our story begins. Wednesday night Avery’s cold took a turn for the worse. She had a fever, and her breathing was so labored she couldn’t lie down to sleep. The cold medicine seemed to have no effect. The Tylenol helped the fever, but her croup was so nasty Andy and I felt we couldn’t leave her alone. I sat with her in a steamy bathroom for a while, Andy gave her a blessing. Finally around two in the morning Andy went out into the snow to buy a new humidifier. We propped her up between us, and slept for about three hours before she woke up coughing and couldn’t go back to sleep.
Thursday morning I made her a doctor’s appointment. It was a busy day with Brooklyn’s “Unusual Pet Show” at school, home-teacher visits, and daily necessities. And by the time we finished our Subway sandwiches I was very sleepy and ready to put the girl’s down for the night. But first we had to give Avery her prescription cough syrup…
(Dun-Dun-DUN!)
Mkay, so I’m assuming you’re all familiar with Avery and her notorious red-bummery? Even in the throws of illness she holds the prestigious title as the stubbornest child to ever walk the earth in a black tutu. We started off with exactly six teaspoons of cough syrup. She was supposed to take two the first night. Are you ready? Though a huge fan of purple medicine Avery hated the red medicine. She spit out the first teaspoon onto her jammies. 6-1=5 teaspoons left.
When fifteen minutes of polite coercion yielded no results, we resorted to a Sortor ritual Andy and I refer to as “Moram“. If you recall, there is a scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, where Indiana is forced to drink blood by the evil head-dressed villain, Moram. There is some chanting and a lot of struggling but in the end Indiana succumbs and in so doing becomes a compulsory member of the thugi cult. Awesome movie. And as it turns out, a super-fun and effective way to force our children to take their medicine. Well, fun for us anyway, the chanting at least. Really it just helps us to not lose our tempers. Anywho, we got two teaspoons down her and were ready to send her to brush her teeth when she says, “I’m gonna puke!” And she did. 5-2=3tsp.
While I cleaned up, Andy tried a different, less thugi–cultish, sneakier approach. He made a delicious strawberry smoothie spiked with the disgusting red cough syrup. Then offered it to Avery.
“I saw Daddy put medicine in it.” Brooklyn warned. Five minutes later Brooklyn was crying in her room and Avery was refusing to drink her smoothie. We reasoned with her. We pleaded with her. I bribed her with new dress-ups, toys, and treats. She replied, “I don’t want any treats and I already have toys.” We cut our losses and put the smoothie in the refrigerator. 3-2=1tsp.
But being the evil-genius that he is, Andy had one more trick up his sleeve. He poured the last teaspoon of precious cough syrup into the Tylenol cup. “Alright sweetie, how about some different medicine?” Reluctantly she agreed. You can hardly imagine my relief as she willingly tipped back the little cup and drank. “See it’s not so bad!” Said Andy seconds before snatching her up over the sink where she vomited all of it. 1-1=O tsp.
Out came the smoothie. Out came the big guns: I threatened to take away her beloved blanket unless she drank her smoothie pronto. But I think my heart broke as she sobbed, “Mommy if I make my bed tomorrow can I have it back?”
“You’re not in trouble honey, you just have to drink your smoothie so you can get better.” “Please let me go to sleep! I just want to go to sleep!” And she cuddled up in my arms, with her eyes closed, genuinely exhausted from the night before.
“No Avery, you can’t go to sleep! You have to drink your smoothie!” As a parent I’m often surprised at the things that come out of my mouth. But despite my desperation Avery did fall asleep. And I did cry.
Thankfully The Great Cough Syrup Fiasco ’09 didn’t kill us. True, that was a lot of puke. True, I am that much closer to biting a stranger in line at the grocery store over laundry detergent. But what can you do? Welcome insanity with a smile.
Well, you didn’t kill Avery, so now she’s stronger… mwahahaha 😉
Diana, I feel your pain… OH! How I feel your pain! I wrote a post just for you.
Feel better soon, Avery!
You can sure turn a horrible event into a funny story. look at this way, more material for you book.
Hope she feels better soon.
Sounds a lot like the famous flouride treatment of ’08. Po’ Diana. Po’ Diana.
The famous Flouride Treatment of ’08 was a classic, indeed 🙂
oh, i hope avery gets better. why can’t they make prescription meds for kids in those handy strips, my kids love those and its no messy sticky syrup.
hugs all around.
If I had a mouth full of cough syrup, I would’ve spewed it all over my computer screen from laughter. Though this was tragic for you, your writing is incredible, and I could just picture every moment of your adventure. I am so sorry you guys are sick. . .that is just the WORST! I hope your Christmas goes a little more smoothly!
whoever said you are the best story teller on the planet was right! Santa better bring you something good for having to endure that!
GOOD GRIEF!! When Brooklyn told me at church that Avery was sick I had no idea you’d endured H-E-double-toothpicks! GRRRR!! I love you for your humor and Moram method and I hope and pray this yucky sick-and-no-sleep-business hits the road SOON! If you ever just need a nap – – feel free to call me over and I’ll take a shift – and I’m not just saying that – take me up on it!!