Ten Reasons Why It Sucks to Be a Unicorn.

I know what you’re thinking: what could possibly suck about being a gloriously magical, shimmering lord of equines? On the surface it looks like buttloads of good times: pearly white haunches glittering in the mysteriously purple moonlight, Mount DiamondDust calling to you…”Come to me my one-horned friend”. Your sensual snowy mane fiercely radiant against the forest of Wizardlune wherein you are known among the elvinkind as “Silveraneous Starmist“. Yep, it appears you have it all Mr. Unicorn. Superficially. But underneath that proud pose I sense a darker side. So without further ado I give you Ten Reasons Why it Sucks to Be a Unicorn:

1 Beauty is pain. When your entire livelihood is based on how pretty you are, you better believe you will go to extreme lengths to look good. Let’s not even discuss the amount of conditioner a unicorn uses every day of the week. And a self-respecting unicorn isn’t buying Kroger brand neither. We’re talking pricey stuff with bits of cheetah in it so you know its good. Then there’s the intense diet and exercise regimen with a personal sugar plum fairy trainer. After all haunches don’t glimmer on their own.
2 Magical crap. Few people realize this, but unicorns poo diamonds the size of your fist. And that is even less pleasant than it sounds.

3 Tweens. I don’t know what it is about virgins and unicorns but frankly, being mauled by Miley Cyrus fans every time you go for a quiet stroll through the meadow is more annoying than enchanting. Dude, stop combing my mane.

4 Purple is lame.

5 Crazy effing wizards. Being constantly hunted by aspiring evil magicians gets old, and is especially embarrassing in the middle of your birthday party.

6 Heart-shaped Hoofs. Try signing a mortgage document or breakup letter with a heart. Nobody takes you seriously.
7 Emotionally abusive care bears. All I can say is, if you’ve heard one “horny” joke you’ve heard them all. And its hurtful. I’m looking your way Sunnyheart Bear.

8 No wings. Pegasus can fly to Jupiter and back. Unicorn cannot. So when it comes time for King Elvenflame to choose his magical stead who do you think is posing front and center at the Candycane Parade? That’s right, BLOODY PEGASUS.

9 The horn is overrated. Sure, if you need to stab somebody with your forehead, the horn comes in handy. But more often than not its just a nuisance. Like every time you look up or turn your head. Forget about hat shopping.

10 Ligers. And that’s all I have to say about that.